New year new you, right? 2 years ago, I wrote a post about how I thought new year's resolutions were dumb, little did I know going into 2018 I would end up having one. So please don’t call me hypocrite things just change. 2017 was the worst year of my life. I feared my life every single day. There was never a moment that I felt safe. As I look back on my year, I understand every choice I made, I get why I moved away and why I didn’t do certain things... I completely understand those choices..but am I proud of them? Absolutely not.
You're probably thinking that makes no sense. You see, I made a lot of choices out of fear. I didn’t move because I wanted to, I moved because I FEARED that if I didn’t the repercussions would be worse. I stopped telling people details about my life and would lie about where I was because I FEARED someone would tell him. I moved away from my family and my support system because I FEARED that if I didn’t he would never leave them alone. I stopped being independent, and going places that he could be at because I FEARED I would see him. I refused to go to court after January because I FEARED if he saw me he would come to my house again. I stopped living my life and being myself because I feared him. Today, I had court. I stayed up all night being terrified I would see him. I had to take my anxiety medicine because I was having a panic attack in the middle of the night thinking about it. As I walked into court I was shaking and looking around praying he wouldn’t be walking up to the court house at the same time as me. I had my dad, my lawyer who is a very close family friend of ours, and the police officer that has followed my case, all with me. The judge knew exactly who I was and exactly what my situation was and so did every officer in the court room. After the trial we talked to all the officers and thanked them for taking time out of their day to come. Today I realized something. I'm not alone. Every Union county police officer, judge in that court house and person in my town knows about this. Everyone wants him off that streets, and they want him to leave me alone. Every person in my family and friend I have ever had has my back. I am fully supported by everyone around me and I am so lucky to have all of them on my side. They are watching and they are waiting for him to mess up, and when he does we will all be ready. I have every single person around me looking out for me. They are not going to let something happen to me and I realize that now. I have absolutely no idea what I did to deserve these people but man am I thankful to have them. I have spent the last year thinking I was alone. I thought all these people around me were just burden by my problem. I spent countless nights crying in my room, scared to let people know how I was feeling because I thought it was my own problem and I was supposed to deal with it myself. I thought I was bothering people with my situation, so I just kept to myself. Now I see that they are around me and going through this with me because they love and care about me. That’s what you do for the people you love, and stand by them no matter what. All of these choices I made out of fear don’t define me. I thought I was alone and I thought this was just what I had to do. Will I still watch my back and maybe do a few things differently? Yes. But will I change my whole life around because of him? Not anymore. I refuse to go another damn day fearing this son of a bitch. This arrogant asshole decided to come in and try to ruin my life and you know what? I LET HIM. I am done revolving my life around this, I'm done running from someone who is never going to stop. At this point it's not him ruining my life, it's me. I think it's time I pull up my big girl pants and I take my damn life back. Yes I will have to be cautious, but im not going to fear every second of the day and not live my life anymore. That’s just bullshit. 2018 is going to be my year. From this point forward this life is mine to control, not his
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