How is it possible that I feel so appreciative of everything that I have and yet also so empty because of it all. I am lucky enough to have the platform that I do… It's not even that big and yet somehow feel this sense of responsibility to act a certain way; to take perfect pictures everywhere I go so the world can see how happy I seem.To take the perfect post-workout selfie to show my workout gear that I received for free in the mail. Find the perfect middle ground where I feel like I’m giving beauty and fitness advice to women while also keeping my sex appeal so I don't lose my male followers. Every picture has an ulterior motive behind it. Although I am so thankful of every place I have been, every experience, the free product and sponsored content, all of it, it still somehow makes me feel so empty. So fake.
I look through my instagram sometimes, just to see what other people see. Do you ever do that? Look through your profile and try to see it in someone else's eyes? When I look through mine I see a strong, confident, sexy girl who is living her best life. Its a girl that when I was 13 I could only dream to be, but never thought it was possible. I never thought people would think I was any of those things. It's nothing like I thought it would feel. There is so much people don't see. They think i'm strong, but they dont know I've struggled with anxiety and the overwhelming sense of never being enough for people all my life. They think I’m confident and sexy but they don't know I didn't eat that day so I would look skinny in my pictures and that I spent at least 2 hours taking photo after photo until I found one that didn't make me hate myself. They don't see that me “living my best life” is actually my worst, and the past 2 years have been absolutely horrible for me. They don't see it because I don't show them.. I used to look at models in magazines all the time. I was obsessed. I used to sit and wish that one day someone would think I was pretty, because then someone will love me. I have had more people in my life tell me that they didn’t love me than tell me that they did.. Sometimes I think that's really all I wanted.. I wanted someone to look at me the way my father looks at my mom. I wanted to have the kind of love that they had and still do have. When you’re a kid, you think it's simple, you think “one day i'll meet someone and they will love me” ...And then you grow up, and kids get meaner. They tell you you’re not pretty enough for anyone to love you, so you wish to be pretty.. Then you grow up some more and they start to tell you that all you have is that you’re pretty and nobody will love you because you're nothing more then that.. Now you’re 22 years old and you don't know what to wish for next because you feel like it's never actually going to be enough… That's about where I am at. Turning to instagram to fill my insecurities. To give me my 5 minutes of fame every time I post a picture and people comment nice things, and for a second I feel like i'm enough. I have let social media start to control my life and to be honest I don't know if I can change. I want to not care. I want to say “fuck everyone” and just turn social media off and live my life, but I can't. I am in a toxic relationship with instagram. It has made me hate myself but I feel like I can't go without it. Truthfully I love the attention at first but then it just leaves me feeling more and more empty inside. When i was young I would have killed for the attention I have now. I never really had much of a voice. I was bullied a lot at school and I never wanted my family to know how sad I was because I knew it would only upset them, so I kind of always kept to myself about things. I always wanted people to think that I was strong even when I wasn't. Sometimes I think I became this person to show off to all of those people who didn't think I was anything great. I think a part of me still wants to prove them all wrong and show them that I have this great life and that I'm pretty now and that they can’t make me feel small anymore, but instead I have just given them all the power. I let the way people respond to my photos determine who I am. I wish I would have known all the attention came with a price.. I thought I was insecure when I was young but really I had no idea how bad insecurity could get.. I wish I would have known that I'd be picking myself apart in the end and struggling to find one thing about myself that I liked.. If I knew that I would have stayed away. I would have stayed far away. There are a lot of reasons I put on this facade. Its day to day. Some days it’s because I want to prove a point or feel better about myself and some days it's just because I’ve been doing it so long that I don't know how else to act on social media. I wish I could show people who I really am. I have a lot of trouble getting deep with people. This blog definitely helps me with that. Makes me feel like I can show people I’m not just someone you see online, I can show them I'm a real person. Maybe one day I’ll even stop worrying about if someone likes me for me or if they just like who I am online. Maybe one day those can be the same person instead of polar opposites. A girl can dream. Maybe that's what my next wish will be.. That I can actually be myself.
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New year new you, right? 2 years ago, I wrote a post about how I thought new year's resolutions were dumb, little did I know going into 2018 I would end up having one. So please don’t call me hypocrite things just change. 2017 was the worst year of my life. I feared my life every single day. There was never a moment that I felt safe. As I look back on my year, I understand every choice I made, I get why I moved away and why I didn’t do certain things... I completely understand those choices..but am I proud of them? Absolutely not.
You're probably thinking that makes no sense. You see, I made a lot of choices out of fear. I didn’t move because I wanted to, I moved because I FEARED that if I didn’t the repercussions would be worse. I stopped telling people details about my life and would lie about where I was because I FEARED someone would tell him. I moved away from my family and my support system because I FEARED that if I didn’t he would never leave them alone. I stopped being independent, and going places that he could be at because I FEARED I would see him. I refused to go to court after January because I FEARED if he saw me he would come to my house again. I stopped living my life and being myself because I feared him. Today, I had court. I stayed up all night being terrified I would see him. I had to take my anxiety medicine because I was having a panic attack in the middle of the night thinking about it. As I walked into court I was shaking and looking around praying he wouldn’t be walking up to the court house at the same time as me. I had my dad, my lawyer who is a very close family friend of ours, and the police officer that has followed my case, all with me. The judge knew exactly who I was and exactly what my situation was and so did every officer in the court room. After the trial we talked to all the officers and thanked them for taking time out of their day to come. Today I realized something. I'm not alone. Every Union county police officer, judge in that court house and person in my town knows about this. Everyone wants him off that streets, and they want him to leave me alone. Every person in my family and friend I have ever had has my back. I am fully supported by everyone around me and I am so lucky to have all of them on my side. They are watching and they are waiting for him to mess up, and when he does we will all be ready. I have every single person around me looking out for me. They are not going to let something happen to me and I realize that now. I have absolutely no idea what I did to deserve these people but man am I thankful to have them. I have spent the last year thinking I was alone. I thought all these people around me were just burden by my problem. I spent countless nights crying in my room, scared to let people know how I was feeling because I thought it was my own problem and I was supposed to deal with it myself. I thought I was bothering people with my situation, so I just kept to myself. Now I see that they are around me and going through this with me because they love and care about me. That’s what you do for the people you love, and stand by them no matter what. All of these choices I made out of fear don’t define me. I thought I was alone and I thought this was just what I had to do. Will I still watch my back and maybe do a few things differently? Yes. But will I change my whole life around because of him? Not anymore. I refuse to go another damn day fearing this son of a bitch. This arrogant asshole decided to come in and try to ruin my life and you know what? I LET HIM. I am done revolving my life around this, I'm done running from someone who is never going to stop. At this point it's not him ruining my life, it's me. I think it's time I pull up my big girl pants and I take my damn life back. Yes I will have to be cautious, but im not going to fear every second of the day and not live my life anymore. That’s just bullshit. 2018 is going to be my year. From this point forward this life is mine to control, not his So it’s coming up on two years since I last wrote a post. 2016 was a busy year for me. I was really diving into school and learning about my passion for being a hairstylist and honestly just didn’t have much time to write. 2017 on the other hand has been one of the worst years of my life. I have had a lot of people close to me saying “you should post about everything that’s happening, share your experience”, but the idea of people knowing what’s been going on has made me sick to my stomach for over ten months now. People that know me well will tell you that, yes I am an open book, but I’m not very open about things that I’m emotional about. I have always been more of the “act like you're fine, pull yourself together and you will get through this you don’t need anyone else’s help”, kind of person. I know that’s not the best way to deal with things, but hey I’m twenty-one years old, there is no changing me now.
If any of you saw the news or went on Facebook after Easter of this year, then you probably know what has been going on with me. Or at least you THINK you know all the details because you watched a video. Even though my name and I myself were not in the video, it wasn’t hard to find out that I was the girl they were talking about. Those of you that don’t know, well it's kind of a long story. December 1st of last year my life changed when a boy who I was not friends with showed up at my front door at 12:30 at night. Soon after, what I thought was a harmless crush turned into my worst nightmare. After the first few incidents of showing up, dropping off flowers and notes and trying to contact me through other people to get my attention, my family and I decided it was best to file a restraining order. I genuinely thought it would fix it, I thought, “ok now he gets it right?” No. Honestly, I should have known when he took to the stand saying that I wanted this, that I wanted him to stalk me, and every tweet I made was me trying to talk to him. Again, the boy who I was not friends with in any shape or form. Five days after the restraining order was issued he showed up at my house while everyone was asleep. It was Christmas Eve. Christmas morning my family woke, opened presents and were as happy as could be. We walked to the front room to open the stockings and my dad saw something on our porch. He opened the door and there it was. A shrine, with scripture opened to the story of Mary Magdalene. I lost it. I didn’t know what to do or how to feel. The worst part was having to see my little brother’s face, he didn’t understand why someone was doing this, why someone wanted to make me feel so scared. My family’s Christmas was ruined and all I could think was that it was all my fault. If this wasn’t happening to me they wouldn’t have to go through it. It shouldn’t be their problem. What they don’t tell you when you file a restraining order is that if the person breaks it, yes they get arrested, but daddy can just follow them right up there and bail them out. Then the best part is that the judge will continue to allow continuances on the case until there is “psychical harm” done. Imagine that. No, seriously, I want you to imagine sitting in a courtroom, terrified because the person who scares you the most is sitting five feet away from you, and the “system” that is supposed to protect us had basically just told you that until this person hurts you, which is the thing you fear the most, then there is nothing they will do. All they can do is arrest him, then allow bail and then say there will eventually be a trial. All of the cops in my town were on my side and wanted him off the streets but the court system was protecting him. The beginning of January was when they first told me they were postponing the trial. At that point I decided to leave charlotte and go elsewhere. It wasn’t long before he was at my front door in Charlotte. Luckily nobody in my family was home, and my security system caught him on camera. I get notifications to my phone when someone is at my door. I remember it being 4 am and I was woken up by the constant buzzing of my phone saying, “Someone is at your door”. I clicked on it right in time to see my stalker screaming into my camera. He had been there for hours just pacing, talking to himself. I contacted the police but they got there a few minutes after he left. Then he was gone and was not found for a few days. Now I’m going to have you use your imagination again. I want you to imagine thinking you escaped it, thinking you got away then waking up to a monster screaming at your home camera and then having no idea where he went, but having a gut feeling he was coming for you. That’s how I felt for days until I got the call saying they found him. So what did I do? I picked up and I kept running. I did that for a good bit honestly. I think I thought that if I kept running it wouldn’t be anyone else’s problem. I knew how scared my family was, my little brother was scared to even play outside. I hated that I brought this fear and I thought that if I moved then my problem would go with me. Unfortunately this wasn’t the case, they still thought about it everyday, they were still scared and now I was just far away from them with no support system. A lot of things happened since January but after the event on Easter, which I will not talk about, I got to my breaking point. That’s when we decided to go on the news. After months of not talking about it with too many people and trying to pretend it wasn’t happening, I was done. Nothing was being done about it. Even when things escalated and escalated the judge still set the court hearing for 6-10 months out. So we took it into our own hands. When my parents approached me about going to the news I was extremely skeptical, I truly did not want my business out there yet because I was just starting to process it myself, but we found a middle ground where they agreed to keep my name out of it. People started sharing the video and started to talk and it wasn’t to far after that people began messaging me, saying how sorry they were. Which was nice at first, but then I realized that most of the people messaging me were doing it because they wanted more details about what was happening. People I hadn’t talked to in years messaging me asking “how did this all start”, “did you lead him on”, “why is he doing this to you”. All it did was make me angry, I barely wanted to talk about it with the people closest to me, why in the world would I want to talk about it with someone I don’t even know? All of a sudden every time I ran into a person I went to highschool with it was either “I’m sorry I got to ask, was that video about you?” or “oh my god did you see that stalker video? That guy went to our high school” leaving me with a long awkward pause where I had to decide if I was going to say that was me or just act like I didn’t know anything about it. What people really don’t understand is that most of the questions they ask me are extremely offensive. The worst by far being “ are you sure you didn’t lead him on?” I think the reason I find this question so upsetting is because first of all: NO, I did not lead him on at all and I know that for a fact because we weren’t even friends but second of all what if I did? Would I deserve all of this then? Would I have deserved to have my life ruined if I did lead the guy on? Because I know if I met someone and this all was happening to them, even if they dated the person, I would still consider everything that he did NOT OK. The second most offensive question would have to be “what does it feel like to have a stalker”. Honestly what kind of question is that? How about I ask you about the most traumatic experience in your life and ask you what it felt like. Also that is just not a question you ask someone that you aren’t close with. I mostly hate it when people ask me that in super public settings, there is a time and a place and running into me at a bar and asking me a question where the answer will most likely make me cry, just doesn’t seem like the right place. I can tell you what it feels like though. It doesn’t feel good, that’s for sure. You know that feeling when you get in your car at night and you're alone, and you're scared to looking the rear view mirror because you have watched one too many horror movies and you're like 70% certain someone is in your back seat, even though there most likely isn’t? I feel like that every second of the day, and I have a reason to because there is a really high chance there is someone in my car and I know exactly who that person would be. It's like having that pit in your stomach that something is going to go terribly wrong but you don’t know when or what it is. I’ve had that pit since December 1st. It feels like being embarrassed to talk about it, feeling ashamed of what’s happened. When you met someone cute but you don’t want to tell them because you know as soon as you do all of a sudden you have too much “baggage” and they run away as fast as they can, so now you just learn to not get attached to people. It feels like being out in public with your friends and thinking you see him so you go to the bathroom so your friends don’t see you have a complete melt down, because you're embarrassed that you get panic attacks and you want people to think that you're strong. It feels like your heart racing and your eyes filling with tears everytime the doorbell rings and nobody is expecting someone. It's looking at your family and just trying to keep it together because you know if they see you break down they will lose it to. It’s funny because you would never know that i felt all that if you met me. I think I’ve gotten way too good at pretending like I’m ok. Honestly, I’m not sure if that’s a problem or not. As weird as this might sound, I’m proud of myself for writing all this down. Yes, there is still a lot more to say but I really feel like this was a step in the right direction for me. http://www.fox46charlotte.com/news/249613413-video “People often say that this or that person has not yet found himself. But the self is not something one finds; it is something one creates” - Thomas Szasz
This quote has gotten me thinking a lot tonight. Mainly because it is something i had never really thought about in that way. Everyone is always saying they need to find themselves.Heck i know i have said it on more then a few occasions, but how do we find ourselves? Well i’ll tell yeah the answer is that we don’t. We are able to be anyone we want to be.The excuse of “sorry I’m being a bitch, but its just who i am” really just isn’t gonna work anymore. If you want to be a better people, if you want to be nice, or sensitive, or adventurous.... then do it. The only thing holding you back is you. You are the only one saying that you are a bitch because thats your personality. You are 100% able to change that. We tell ourselves that we have all these faults but we never do anything to change them. We sit and we feel sad and insecure about them when if we changed our attitude a bit then maybe we could. Stop worrying about all the negative faults you have and fall back involve with yourself.This is something i REALLY struggled with for a long time. I would treat others so much better then i would ever treat myself. I kept thinking that if i made everyone else feel good then i would feel better. Really all i was doing was pushing my problems off to the side and acting like i was fine. One day i realized it was a serious problem.This can be a sensitive topic for me at times but i think its finally one i should share. I had gotten to the point where i was completely unsatisfied with myself. I kept trying to cover it up but even faking confidence seemed impossible. One day i broke down. I really don’t know what got into me but i was looking in the mirror brushing my teeth and i lost it. Started writing things on my mirror, bad things, all the things i felt about myself and then just sat and cried. My friend paige came over to pick something up and there i was. Sitting on the floor, alone, crying, and all i could say was “I feel like i don’t have anything else in me”. It wasn’t a situation or anything in particular that made me feel like this it was just me. I was listening to negative people and in a negative place (literal location wise) and it made me think negatively about myself. This was a moment i realized i needed to start focusing on myself. i love to make people feel good about themselves, but you can’t help someone else until you have helped yourself, and it took me a really long time to learn that. Treat yourself as well as you would treat others. I came home and things started to get easier. I started to be able to fake it.I know that sounds bad you are probably thinking its stupid to fake it but let me tell you something, it starts with an action. Actions become habits, habits become part of your personality and personality build character, then all of a sudden you are the person we were always meant to be. I needed to stop looking in the mirror and picking out my flaws and start being happy with who i was. I didn’t really start be the person i wanted again until i started school. I started school at Paul Mitchell and i can’t even explain to you the happiness it has brought me. Trust me i never thought i would be saying school was making me happy but it is. I feel good about myself because I’m doing well. I go to school and for once i get it. I love what I’m doing there, satisfying that part of me was the first thing i needed to do to be happy. I found something i love doing. After spending about 13 years of my life doing things i wasn’t good at and things that didn’t make me happy (school) I finally found something that makes my heart sing and that has made all the difference. Now i relay on myself to make me happy. I don’t need anybody else because damn i could be very let down if i did that. I look in the mirror and yeah sometimes i feel a little insecure but i don’t look at myself and feel sad anymore. I don’t feel stupid and ugly, I feel beautiful, brilliant and like can do ANYTHING i put my mind to. Its a feeling i have never had but its the best feeling I’ve ever had. I really don’t know a way i could be any happier in my life right now. I am doing something i love and doing very well in it, Im with my family and i fell back inlove with myself. I couldn’t ask for anything more. I think people really under estimate just how important a good relationship with your parents is. I have friends that barley speak to their parents and when they do its just basic stuff. I absolutely love being close with my mom and dad. Honestly i don’t know what i would do if i didn’t have such an amazing relationship with them. They give me the best advice and i feel like i could come to them with anything that is on my mind and they will give me the advice and help that i need. They talk to me like I’m a real person and not a child, and that really helps. They don’t sugar coat things or try to just make me feel better even if I’m wrong. When I’m wrong they tell me, they will say “I know you are upset but try seeing it from the other side” and because they did this it has made me a much better person. They taught me that sometimes when people are mean its because something else is going on and not to just hate them and never forgive them because one day i might have something really hard going on and i might do something not nice and hopefully my friends will understand just like i did, They showed me it was ok to make mistakes, and it was ok to mess up sometimes and you might hurt people every once in awhile but it was the way to make up for it every day and its about how that mistake can make you better. I find that I’m really hard on myself a lot and they bring me down from that, they show me that if i lay off myself a bit i will feel a lot better. I can sit down and have real conversations with them because they are more then my parents, they are my friends too. We sit and goof around and have a good time, and sometimes we sit and i cry and i talk about my break ups, my friend problems, and anything that would ever possibly make me sad. They tell me about their past and the mistakes they made and how it changed them. Without them I don’t know who i would be. I like to think i would be the same person but i wouldn’t. They have made me goofy,compassionate, stubborn,friendly, forgiving,dramatic,emotional and so so much more.I don’t think i thank them enough for everything that they do for me but i don’t think there will ever be enough thank you’s in the world. Im blessed to have such awesome parents and i hope that when i have a family of my own that I’m like them, I feel bad for the kids that don’t have good relationships with there parents because they are really missing out. Your mom and dad will be the best friends you will ever have because they will ALWAYS be there for you and never hurt you.Well, I have officially completely my first week at Paul Mitchell. What can i say? Well, honestly, i love it. Normally ,even at the start of a semester I don’t want to go to class. I refuse to wake up , put real clothes on and start my day. Now, everyday when i wake up I’m excited to go to school. Ive actually been waking up before my alarm even goes off because I’m so excited to start my day. I haven’t learned anything to crazy yet, mainly just braiding, blow drying and finger waves, most of which i already knew how to do. I HATE FINGER WAVES! Just incase you don’t know what that is ill post a picture below, but i don’t recommend anyone getting these unless they are done with heat because the amount of gel you have to use to achieve this look is kinda scary. I have already made a few friends who i will be going out with Wednesday night to get to know better. Its exciting , this whole starting over thing but its also really scary. There is always a fear that you will have to start over again but I’m beginning to realize that you can start over a million times and thats ok. Life would be terrifying if you couldn’t wipe the slate clean every now and then. So here i am, wiping my slate clean and starting fresh, i don’t really have a lot of friends, i left my old life behind and I’m going crazy living with my parents.I know those things typically sound absolutely awful to someone who is my age but, for once i actually feel like I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing. Thats something I’ve never felt before, not in high school, not in college, not ever. I always felt like something was off and i could never explain it. Try going through 13 1/2 years of school feeling like you were doing everything wrong. Studying for test just to do worse then the kid next to you who didn’t study at all. I was always discouraged because when i would try i would fail, so eventually i stopped trying. It was easy to feel like i did bad because i didn’t want to do it not because i couldn’t. Now i feel like i actually can do something. It really is an amazing feeling when you get something, you know it just clicks and you can do it. Some people its books, for me its hair and makeup. Damn who would of thought. I sure as hell didn’t think this is where i would be at 19 year old but I’m happy that this is where my path lead me. I always had an interested but i didn’t know i could make it a reality. I wouldnt be here without my parents though. They helped a lot. This is the only picture i could find but her hair style... thats finger waves...
I am so tired of people constantly saying “New year, New me” because well most likely they are going to changing literally nothing in their life. Honestly i don’t understand this whole new years resolution bull shit, never have. Its like once a year people decide they are going to better themselves, and they decided this ONLY ONCE A YEAR. Like ok cool I’ve been a shit show the past year but since its a new year i have yet another opportunity/attempt at getting my shit together. What about back in July when you thought that your life was shit why didn’t you vow to change it then? Are we only able to better ourselves in the month of January? I think its fucking hilarious that people all of a sudden think they are saints in that first two months. There like “well you know maddy the new year really changed me”. I don’t know who is crazier me or the rest of the world because the only thing life changing for me that happened on new years was that i started it with bojangles and not taco bell. It was a big shocker ,really. Its cute though, the idea that they are actually going to better themselves. If anything i really do envy them. I don’t have a new years resolution so i never get to participate in that part of the new year conversations, as everyone gathers to talk about how great they are and I’m just happy i didn’t burn my tongue on my coffee that morning. I like to have weekly goals for myself. I will drink more water this week, i will workout at least 3 days a week. That way Im not 15 weeks into my no carbs diet realizing I’m a totally bitch without pasta and give up on everything and become a shit show again until next year when i probably try to give up the exact same thing. More realistic in my opinion. Also only drink water for a week sounds easier then only drink water for a year. I take it week by week and give it my all. But congrats to all that have New years resolutions and i hope you stick by them.
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