How is it possible that I feel so appreciative of everything that I have and yet also so empty because of it all. I am lucky enough to have the platform that I do… It's not even that big and yet somehow feel this sense of responsibility to act a certain way; to take perfect pictures everywhere I go so the world can see how happy I seem.To take the perfect post-workout selfie to show my workout gear that I received for free in the mail. Find the perfect middle ground where I feel like I’m giving beauty and fitness advice to women while also keeping my sex appeal so I don't lose my male followers. Every picture has an ulterior motive behind it. Although I am so thankful of every place I have been, every experience, the free product and sponsored content, all of it, it still somehow makes me feel so empty. So fake.
I look through my instagram sometimes, just to see what other people see. Do you ever do that? Look through your profile and try to see it in someone else's eyes? When I look through mine I see a strong, confident, sexy girl who is living her best life. Its a girl that when I was 13 I could only dream to be, but never thought it was possible. I never thought people would think I was any of those things. It's nothing like I thought it would feel. There is so much people don't see. They think i'm strong, but they dont know I've struggled with anxiety and the overwhelming sense of never being enough for people all my life. They think I’m confident and sexy but they don't know I didn't eat that day so I would look skinny in my pictures and that I spent at least 2 hours taking photo after photo until I found one that didn't make me hate myself. They don't see that me “living my best life” is actually my worst, and the past 2 years have been absolutely horrible for me. They don't see it because I don't show them.. I used to look at models in magazines all the time. I was obsessed. I used to sit and wish that one day someone would think I was pretty, because then someone will love me. I have had more people in my life tell me that they didn’t love me than tell me that they did.. Sometimes I think that's really all I wanted.. I wanted someone to look at me the way my father looks at my mom. I wanted to have the kind of love that they had and still do have. When you’re a kid, you think it's simple, you think “one day i'll meet someone and they will love me” ...And then you grow up, and kids get meaner. They tell you you’re not pretty enough for anyone to love you, so you wish to be pretty.. Then you grow up some more and they start to tell you that all you have is that you’re pretty and nobody will love you because you're nothing more then that.. Now you’re 22 years old and you don't know what to wish for next because you feel like it's never actually going to be enough… That's about where I am at. Turning to instagram to fill my insecurities. To give me my 5 minutes of fame every time I post a picture and people comment nice things, and for a second I feel like i'm enough. I have let social media start to control my life and to be honest I don't know if I can change. I want to not care. I want to say “fuck everyone” and just turn social media off and live my life, but I can't. I am in a toxic relationship with instagram. It has made me hate myself but I feel like I can't go without it. Truthfully I love the attention at first but then it just leaves me feeling more and more empty inside. When i was young I would have killed for the attention I have now. I never really had much of a voice. I was bullied a lot at school and I never wanted my family to know how sad I was because I knew it would only upset them, so I kind of always kept to myself about things. I always wanted people to think that I was strong even when I wasn't. Sometimes I think I became this person to show off to all of those people who didn't think I was anything great. I think a part of me still wants to prove them all wrong and show them that I have this great life and that I'm pretty now and that they can’t make me feel small anymore, but instead I have just given them all the power. I let the way people respond to my photos determine who I am. I wish I would have known all the attention came with a price.. I thought I was insecure when I was young but really I had no idea how bad insecurity could get.. I wish I would have known that I'd be picking myself apart in the end and struggling to find one thing about myself that I liked.. If I knew that I would have stayed away. I would have stayed far away. There are a lot of reasons I put on this facade. Its day to day. Some days it’s because I want to prove a point or feel better about myself and some days it's just because I’ve been doing it so long that I don't know how else to act on social media. I wish I could show people who I really am. I have a lot of trouble getting deep with people. This blog definitely helps me with that. Makes me feel like I can show people I’m not just someone you see online, I can show them I'm a real person. Maybe one day I’ll even stop worrying about if someone likes me for me or if they just like who I am online. Maybe one day those can be the same person instead of polar opposites. A girl can dream. Maybe that's what my next wish will be.. That I can actually be myself.
1 Comment
Nick Bullard
5/31/2019 11:34:12 am
I just read through this and I felt deeply for you in the sense that I would’ve never thought a girl as pretty as you would ever be going through such a thing. As a guy at 24 I can relate in the sense of wishing to show people I have a better life but I’ve never felt attractive enough to do that. Even though at first glance people see me as confident, outgoing and successful. They don’t realize that at night or in times of silence I judge myself and hate myself for some of the mistakes I’ve made, for always being the person everyone leans on. I’ve realized a person can only carry so much for everyone before they break. Thank you for posting this.
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