“People often say that this or that person has not yet found himself. But the self is not something one finds; it is something one creates” - Thomas Szasz
This quote has gotten me thinking a lot tonight. Mainly because it is something i had never really thought about in that way. Everyone is always saying they need to find themselves.Heck i know i have said it on more then a few occasions, but how do we find ourselves? Well i’ll tell yeah the answer is that we don’t. We are able to be anyone we want to be.The excuse of “sorry I’m being a bitch, but its just who i am” really just isn’t gonna work anymore. If you want to be a better people, if you want to be nice, or sensitive, or adventurous.... then do it. The only thing holding you back is you. You are the only one saying that you are a bitch because thats your personality. You are 100% able to change that. We tell ourselves that we have all these faults but we never do anything to change them. We sit and we feel sad and insecure about them when if we changed our attitude a bit then maybe we could. Stop worrying about all the negative faults you have and fall back involve with yourself.This is something i REALLY struggled with for a long time. I would treat others so much better then i would ever treat myself. I kept thinking that if i made everyone else feel good then i would feel better. Really all i was doing was pushing my problems off to the side and acting like i was fine. One day i realized it was a serious problem.This can be a sensitive topic for me at times but i think its finally one i should share. I had gotten to the point where i was completely unsatisfied with myself. I kept trying to cover it up but even faking confidence seemed impossible. One day i broke down. I really don’t know what got into me but i was looking in the mirror brushing my teeth and i lost it. Started writing things on my mirror, bad things, all the things i felt about myself and then just sat and cried. My friend paige came over to pick something up and there i was. Sitting on the floor, alone, crying, and all i could say was “I feel like i don’t have anything else in me”. It wasn’t a situation or anything in particular that made me feel like this it was just me. I was listening to negative people and in a negative place (literal location wise) and it made me think negatively about myself. This was a moment i realized i needed to start focusing on myself. i love to make people feel good about themselves, but you can’t help someone else until you have helped yourself, and it took me a really long time to learn that. Treat yourself as well as you would treat others. I came home and things started to get easier. I started to be able to fake it.I know that sounds bad you are probably thinking its stupid to fake it but let me tell you something, it starts with an action. Actions become habits, habits become part of your personality and personality build character, then all of a sudden you are the person we were always meant to be. I needed to stop looking in the mirror and picking out my flaws and start being happy with who i was. I didn’t really start be the person i wanted again until i started school. I started school at Paul Mitchell and i can’t even explain to you the happiness it has brought me. Trust me i never thought i would be saying school was making me happy but it is. I feel good about myself because I’m doing well. I go to school and for once i get it. I love what I’m doing there, satisfying that part of me was the first thing i needed to do to be happy. I found something i love doing. After spending about 13 years of my life doing things i wasn’t good at and things that didn’t make me happy (school) I finally found something that makes my heart sing and that has made all the difference. Now i relay on myself to make me happy. I don’t need anybody else because damn i could be very let down if i did that. I look in the mirror and yeah sometimes i feel a little insecure but i don’t look at myself and feel sad anymore. I don’t feel stupid and ugly, I feel beautiful, brilliant and like can do ANYTHING i put my mind to. Its a feeling i have never had but its the best feeling I’ve ever had. I really don’t know a way i could be any happier in my life right now. I am doing something i love and doing very well in it, Im with my family and i fell back inlove with myself. I couldn’t ask for anything more.
1 Comment
Jessica
2/23/2016 05:07:20 pm
Someone like you if I were to see at a bar or across the street, I would never think you would feel about yourself in this way. You seem to have it all, nice body, a lot of friends, you're really pretty, and I'm sure you could get any guys attention by the way you look. It just comes to show that even though you have all those qualities, what everyone sees on the outside is not what you really are in the inside. And I'm not saying in a way you think you're "all that" but people don't see our battles when were alone. Correct me if I'm wrong but I completely understand this feeling 100% I, myself put others infront of me because it makes me happy until like you, I was not happy with myself and I broke down as well.
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